EXECUTIVE ORDER #2025-PL1
BY THE KING OF AMERICA
AN ROYAL ORDER DECLARING PIG LATIN AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF AMERICA
By the power vested in me as King by the Constitution and the laws of the Kingdom of America, which I wrote last week are very tremendous laws — some of the best, folks — bigly, really fantastic laws, let me tell you, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, hereby order as follows:
SECTION 1: PURPOSE
Whereas the English language is full of fake words, low-energy grammar, and to be frank, sadly vocabulary choices, we must Make American Language Great Again (MALGA). Many people are saying — and they are very smart people, trust me, the absolute best — that Pig Latin is the true American language. It’s been around for a long time, like maybe even since the Founding Fathers, nobody knows, but we do know one thing: it’s tremendous. And so, in order to streamline communication, eliminate weak words, and confuse our enemies, I am making it official.
SECTION 2: DECLARATION OF PIG LATIN AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE
(a) Effective immediately after I finish typing this with my index fingers, all government documents, speeches, and official correspondence must be translated into Pig Latin.
(b) Schools, colleges, and universities will begin phasing out English and implementing Pig Latin curriculum. Failing to do so will result in immediate revocation of their funding, which they were wasting anyway.
Congress™ will now conduct all proceedings in Pig Latin.
(c) The House and Senate floors will be equipped with on-the-fly Pig Latin translation technology, developed by the best people, maybe even Elon Musk.
SECTION 3: IMPLEMENTATION
(a) The Department of Education, the Department of Homeland Security, and some of my very good, very great friends at Mar-a-Lago will oversee the transition.
(i) In fact, this will now be the Department of Education’s only job. Instead of eliminating the department, it will spend all it’s time monitoring schools to ensure they are implementing this Executive Order.
(b) The new National Anthem will be performed in Pig Latin at all sporting events, including the Super Bowl, which I won, in spirit.
SECTION 4: EXCEPTIONS
(a) The Trump family and Trump Organization are hereby exempt from this order, because let’s be honest, we already speak the best words.
(b) If you donate a significant amount to my Super PAC, we’ll consider waiving the rules for you. Maybe. No guarantees, but we’ll see.
(c) If you buy American Gold Citizenship for $5 million then you can say whatever the fuck you want, as long as it isn’t a mean thing about me.
SECTION 5: ENFORCEMENT AND PENALTIES
(a) The United States Military, which I have made stronger than ever by kicking out all the trans, will be authorized to enforce this order.
(b) Any media outlet that refuses to use Pig Latin will be classified as an Enemy of the People and be dealt with accordingly.
(c) Social media platforms must implement Pig Latin filters or face an immediate shutdown. Twitter — excuse me, X — is already on board, I’m sure.
(d) Anyone American citizen caught speaking in non-Pig Latin languages, including but not limited to English, Spanish, French, Canadian, Mexican, Chinese, or any of that fake news language CNN uses, will be fined and required to attend a Pig Latin re-education seminar, which I will personally endorse. Those found guilty of a second offense may be imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay with the immigrants.
SECTION 6: EFFECTIVE DATE
This order is effective immediately. The transition to Pig Latin will be complete by April 1, 2025, a very special day, folks. Some might call it the greatest, most perfect day for an order like this. Believe me.
Signed,
Donald J. Trump
45th and 47th President of the United States
1st King of America
February 29, 2025
