THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the President of the United States
February 11, 2025
EXECUTIVE ORDER #BATHROOM-BAN-2025
BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME AS PRESIDENT — WHICH, LET’S BE HONEST, IS TOTAL — I HEREBY DECLARE THE FOLLOWING:
SECTION 1: THE GREAT AMERICAN BATHROOM PURGE
- Whereas, I am the most decisive, powerful, and beloved leader America has ever had (some say even better than Lincoln, maybe even George Washington, I don’t know, but people are saying it),
- Whereas, I alone decide who gets to use what bathroom because, let’s face it, people love when I talk about bathrooms,
- Whereas, weak, radical leftist politicians have failed to stop the complete and total breakdown of civilization due to too many people — too many! — using the wrong bathroom,
- Whereas, only I have the courage to take extreme and totally logical action,
I, DONALD J. TRUMP, HEREBY DECLARE:
- We are finally making America’s bathrooms great again! That means trans people are no longer allowed use public restrooms. At all. Not men’s. Not women’s. Not even those weird, single-stall ones with the little gender-neutral sign that makes me so uncomfortable.
- If you’re trans, you just hold it. That’s right. No bathroom for you. Not in airports, not in schools, not even in Trump Tower (which, by the way, is a great building, tremendous bathrooms, probably the best bathrooms and the best toilets in the world).
- Violators will be punished. If a trans is caught trying to sneak into a restroom, they will be fined, shamed, and placed in a Bathroom Jail (details pending, but probably run by Ron DeSantis because, let’s face it, he loves this kind of thing).
SECTION 2: JUSTIFICATION, WHICH IS VERY SMART AND LOGICAL
- Bathrooms are sacred spaces. I, Donald J. Trump, know bathrooms better than anyone. No one understands toilets, flushing, or plumbing like me. I’ve been in more bathrooms than anyone, folks. And we need LAW AND ORDER in there.
- No one is talking about the REAL bathroom crisis. Water pressure? A disaster. Flush efficiency? Ruined by liberals. But the worst part? People using the WRONG bathroom. I can’t, I won’t let it happen.
- Science doesn’t matter, only vibes. Some say this is unconstitutional. Some say it’s cruel. Some say it makes absolutely no sense. But folks, we don’t do science here. We do gut instinct — and my gut, which is very powerful, tells me I’m right and that the trans are yucky.
SECTION 3: ENFORCEMENT BY THE GREAT AMERICAN BATHROOM POLICE
- New bathroom checkpoints will be established at every restroom entrance in the country, monitored by highly trained Bathroom Guards (likely guys who got kicked out of police academies and Catholic parishes but still want to yell at people).
- Gender verification squads will be deployed to make sure everyone using a bathroom looks correct in between their legs. Anyone suspected of being a trans will be arrested.
- Businesses that provide restrooms to trans people will be shut down. And not just shut down — humiliated, sued, and maybe replaced with a McDonald’s.
SECTION 4: THE FUTURE OF BATHROOMS UNDER TRUMP RULE
- Eventually, I will phase out all public restrooms entirely. That’s right. No more public bathrooms. If you need to go, just go home.
- Private Trump-branded bathrooms will be available — but only for elite, high-paying customers. If you want the privilege of using a bathroom, you’ll need to sign up for the Trump Toilet Membership (TTM)™, only $999 a year.
- Anyone caught complaining about this policy will be labeled an “Enemy of the State” and deported.
SECTION 5: EFFECTIVE DATE
This order is effective immediately. Anyone caught protesting will be arrested for Woke Bathroom Crimes™ and forced to listen to me give a two-hour speech about water pressure and lightbulbs.
SIGNED,
DONALD J. TRUMP
FOREVER PRESIDENT, KING OF AMERICA, SUPREME BATHROOM DECIDER
“Nobody understands bathrooms better than me. Believe me. It’s a tremendous situation.”
