THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the King of the United States
February, 17, 2025
EXECUTIVE ORDER #MAGA-FOREVER
BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME AS PRESIDENT — WHICH, LET’S BE HONEST, IS TREMENDOUS — I HEREBY DECLARE THE FOLLOWING:
SECTION 1: ESTABLISHMENT OF THE KINGDOM OF AMERICA
- Whereas, no president has ever done more for America than me, Donald J. Trump,
- Whereas, democracy is fine, folks, but let’s be honest, it’s overrated. Too many losers and haters voting the wrong way,
- Whereas, I have won more elections than anyone in the history of America, believe me, it’s true,
- Whereas, nobody in history has deserved absolute power more than me,
I, DONALD J. TRUMP, HEREBY DECLARE MYSELF KING OF AMERICA.
- That’s right, King. Not President. Not “Mr. Trump.” King Donald the First.
- America is now a monarchy. And a very classy one, the best one. Way better than those fake monarchies in England or wherever.
- I am now officially King for Life, and after that, my kids, or maybe Barron, will take over. Fantastic kid. Very tall.
SECTION 2: GOVERNMENT RESTRUCTURING
- Congress is fired. Completely useless. All decisions will now go through me, because let’s face it, I make all the BEST decisions and I’ve been legislating through executive orders ever since I retook my throne anyways.
- The Supreme Court is renamed “The Trump Court” and will only make rulings that I like. If I don’t like a ruling, they’re fired.
- The media is banned from saying anything bad about me. Especially CNN. Fake news. Anyone caught spreading fake news will be sent to the prison state of Canada (which, reminder, is now just America North).
- The new national anthem shall forevermore be Kid Rock’s rap-rock cover of “God Bless the USA.”
SECTION 3: EXPANSION OF THE KINGDOM
- Canada is now the 51st state. They won’t admit it, but they love me. Love me! Big crowds whenever I visit.
- Greenland is a U.S. calliknee now. Remember when I tried to buy it? Well, guess what, folks? I just took it. Our military landed their yesterday and believe me, the Greenlandians are actually very, very happy about this. My phone has been ringing off the hook with people calling from their little igloos to thank me for giving them electricity and for liberating them from stupid Denmark.
- Mexico is officially part of America. That’s right. We conquered it once and we’re doing it again. No more problems at the border because now the whole border is American!
- All Mexicans with more than a slight tan shall be removed so the territory can be peacefully and lovingly developed into dude ranch estates, industrial parks for the First Buddies army of slave labor bots, and beach front resorts owned by the Trump Corporation (i.e. AMERICA). South American countries will take in all Mexican refugees or else we will callineyes South America too.
- The Panama Canal belongs to us again. It’s a great canal. A Trump-level canal. The best. We’re taking it back. Finally and forever.
Together, these lands are now called the “Greatest Ever American Empire”, and believe me, folks, it truly is the best empire in history.
SECTION 4: IMPLEMENTATION AND ENFORCEMENT
- All citizens must swear an oath of loyalty to King Trump. This will be done at the following times:
a. at the start of all football, basketball, baseball, hockey, and golf games,
b. before every NASCAR and Kentucky Derby race,
c. before every class at all levels our education system (at least until I do away with our education system), and
d. twice per week at McDonald’s.
- Military personnel are now called “The Trump Guard.” Their main job is to protect me, my big boy Happy Meals, and my empire.
- Trump Tower Washington, D.C. is the new White House. The old White House? Hearby Rebranded as Trump Resort & Casino.
SECTION 5: NEW GLOBAL HOLIDAY
As of today, the third Monday of every February shall hearby be a global holiday known as Donald Trump Day, aka King’s Day. On this day, the whole world will celebrate the newest king, me, King Donald Trump.
EFFECTIVE DATE
This order takes effect immediately and forever. Anyone who disagrees will be very, very sad. Believe me.
SIGNED,
KING DONALD J. TRUMP
FIRST KING OF AMERICA, MASTER OF CANADA, LORD OF GREENLAND, RULER OF MEXICO, DEFENDER OF THE PANAMA CANAL
“Nobody deserves this more than me. Nobody. You’re welcome.”
